Trying to follow my inner drummer in understanding Liberation and Self-realization - 2002

FROM MY EARLIEST WRITINGS - WHICH AROSE AS INNER RESPONSES TO MY MANY QUERIES! 

I was born a seeker. As far back as I can recall I wanted to ‘know’ God. It was my reason to be. I realized early on however, that for me the search was as much an irrepressible urge to understand God than just find him.

I would get a glimmer only, back then, of the different paths that we each traveled in this search. Some, yearning for their particular God/Guru, no questions asked. I admired their devotion. I confess, I felt something lacking for not being able to feel that way. Others, I noted hardly gave it much thought, confident that their version of correct day to day living would get them ‘there’ wherever it was meant to be. They seemed so sure, and I had this string  (or rather whole balls of strings!) of questions! I remember trying to ‘switch teams’, feeling inadequate and wondering if I would be ‘left behind’ knitting those strings my whole life! It is only later when I understood more, that I realized there were indeed distinct routes (the above mentioned being Bhakti, and karma, and another referred to as kriya yoga through an alchemy of inner energies) and my way was through knowledge, Gyan.

Moreover, while one part of me yearned for a guru (gu= darkness; ru= to remove) I found myself resisting what I perceived as the cozy limitations of being bound to a particular God or Guru or Way… and instead incorporated from all, needing at first to know ALL that is. Some inner voice prompted me to follow my own drummer. Of course time-to-time the old fears would raise their heads, of me having got the “wrong” music score! but the more I followed this inner music, I found the discordant sounds setting into a certain rhythm. Even it wasn’t a recognized tune! It had a certain pace and tempo I intuitively felt

The journey had begun years ago on a more flat note! with me somewhat thinking that life was a mandatory appendage, and I as this limited self with its many- fold desires, just something coming in the way. At the end of the rainbow was the pot of gold in which I could loose this ‘self’, ridden as it was with its many weaknesses and un-ending roller coaster rides on the rainbow. Salvation from this quick-sand of ‘lives’ lay in loosing the ‘self’ as fast as possible. Aha I was told, once I reach the other side and mix with that pot of gold, I will in becoming that gold, have lost the burdens of ‘being’, and that will be Bliss!!
Many questions however had hurled themselves against my consciousness… that if I lost myself in that pot of gold, who indeed would experience the bliss?? And once I became that bliss, then what?? What does God or Bliss do?? And if Being and Self were synonymous with burden, and Desire synonymous with evil, surely God would not have made these the chief attractions, with the longest queues! in this park he called the UNIVERSE. Why create it in the first place, this land of discovery, if all we are meant to do is hurry through condemning it??

I so wanted to reach God, but in love and joy, not hunched back and dumping my sack of burdens into Him. I was unwilling to be like a detective trying to solve a crime with a deadline. I wanted to honor the park He made for us. Yet always knowing that neither was I meant to get stuck here, on some endless Ferris-Wheel rounds; a park being a place meant to visit, experience and move on to larger fields of experience.I attended as many satsangs as I could, read as many books as time allowed, and met whichever Living Masters would grace my path. My initial dismal picture changed, but I was like that osprey bird, diving deep again and again yet coming up with no real answers! In the meantime, life was happening. I was going through the normal experiences of childhood and school and falling in love, marriage, motherhood and the many sideshows life offers! Through it all I carried this private gnosis in every fiber of my being, that life was to be lived wholly and enjoyed and experienced; that desires were not as evil as made out to be. I believed that there was no point of going through life, like someone scared that their filled wine glasses would spill and stain their life with even a tiny jostle.
 
Many a time of course I teetered and tottered, with any spiritual knowledge I might have ‘accumulated’ remaining purely academic and intellectual. I would chaff then at being unable to live it… wonder if I was indeed pushing my luck by pushing my inner drummer! I guess that latent storehouse however definitely helped in its own way, as slowly I began to absorb the larger picture and get the beginnings of a canvas far larger and encompassing than I had so far imagined.

The pace picked up, in its own time, and seemingly of its own accord. I thank the Seth books, and Jade Fire for this sudden magic carpet I feel I have found. I realize I have a long way to go, (if there is any way as such), but yes, I grasp so much more and live it so much more, simply because so many answers have been showered. I feel refreshed, and full of gusto. I feel less drawn to that roller coaster now and approach life more on cruise control, knowing ones destination, yet enjoying the journey. I can now begin to feel an amalgamation of those different paths, within me. I realize I needed the understanding to develop the faith, and then try living the right actions with an increasing inner alchemy!

PART TWO

I have begun to comprehend that the change is more in my understanding of the concepts rather than any change in the concepts themselves. We freely use many words as seekers: ‘liberation’ and ‘self realization’ being commonly pursued and sometimes ascribe limited meanings to them.

This ‘liberation’ that we all at some point seek and often perceive as liberation from the bondage of being (and its burdens) is indeed liberation from this very feeling of bondage and needing to be free. I realize now that we are free, and life is not something out of my hands, and thrust upon me, but an experience I choose with the same anticipation as I would that trip to the amusement park. It is through experiencing and enjoying each ride that I will outgrow the desire to return and in fact then move into larger, more expanded fields of experience and being. Many of us have probably used this journey towards God, at some time or the other as a way of escape…thinking, hoping we will elude the burdens of being, and experiencing; and that in becoming God we will become non existent bliss. Indeed what we may have hoped to be free of is infact both the source and goal : an ever expanding state of  Being, Experiencing, Evolving. It is what God is, or does! That will be the BLISS.
 
It is not liberation from ‘self’ either. In self –realization we do not need to dump this self as we sometimes think, as though it is small and miserable and unworthy. It is through self and Selves I will be God ...again;(or more accurately, realize that that I have never ceased being). Instead of denigrating this ‘ self’, I should revel in its glory and larger Being. Even this ‘current self’ that we often so look down upon: God has chosen to experience itself through THIS me. He has given each ‘self’ free will, wholly confident that they will bring back an expanded sense of Being into Him. Self realization is not about losing yourself, but findng yourself… as individual and Higher Selves and All and as God; in becoming God we will not loose our self, we will infact find our Eternal Self, Selves.

Another concept I grappled with, questioning every poet and philosopher was that God made pain and sorrow as ways to reach him! I somehow think and feel God’s intent is different, wanting us to reach him through the joy of being. If somewhere along the line, we have gotten out of touch with this joy, we should re-align (root of the word religion, I’m told) ourselves to Who and What we really are, and in seeking That, find a more joyous way back ‘home’. Any pain we go through is only a reminder of having forgotten Gods Joyful intent and using ours instead!!   He has indeed given us, as humans, the freedom and tools to create our own reality and in creating one more in keeping with joy than pain, we will indeed honor Gods plan.

Amidst the earlier confusion of the different ‘ways’ to reach God, a simple understanding arose: There is no ‘way’ to being God, being God is the way. And surely God is BLISS, EVER EXPANDING.

Divya Kumar